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wheres the closest pool? i want to drown

i went to pick up my grandma so we could hang out, but when i get there, i find her in the back bedroom with her eyes closed, just laying there. and my first reaction was to scream, but instead i whispered "nanny." and she opened her eyes, thank god. she had been puking, so she wasnt too interested to go anywhere. she told me to go home, she didnt want me to see her like that. its hard to believe that i used to run around with that very same lady that was laying there, wishing she was dead. i cant remember her before this fucking disease took over. i dont remember before the cancer and before parkinsons. i called my mom, and she came over, to the rescue, even though a rescue is about 20 years too late. so now, im sitting here....rocking back and forth, rubbing my own back, with this fucking water dripping from my eyes, saying to myself "veronica, your going to make it through. it will be okay." im always the one to wipe my own tears, it wouldnt be fair to ask anyone else to help, since there is really nothing to be done until its over. ive had to move on from so many heartbreaks in my life, but this one, will forever be impossible to move on from. i dont think you ever move on from the death of your favorite person in the whole entire world. its hard, harder than i honestly imagined it to be. im mourning her death, and shes not even gone yet. but its hard to watch your grandma not be able to use the bath room without help. she cant tie her shoes, let alone walk on her own. and im sitting here, taking life for granted. taking the fact that i am breathing for granted. my heart is in my fucking throat. anyone that i have ever loved has left, whether they had to or not, and not once have i ever had a proper goodbye (if there is suck thing as a proper goodbye). but ive never ever once said goodbye, ive just been expected to "get the fuck over it." well, this time, its different, because i dont want to get the fuck over it.

i wish i was swimming right now. something, anything to fucking take my mind away from this fucking world. i cant bring myself to feel better. i guess im just scared. scared that chris is just going to leave, like everyone else has. im terrified of that. that he will realize that there is something better than veronica. im never good enough. why cant i just feel good? why cant i see that its sunny? where are you? but even if you were here, i would probably be stubborn and just want you to leave me alone. i wouldnt want to talk, i would want you to go do something fun instead of crying here, right now, with me. be with your friends, you other friends need you, they will make you happier, i promise. im pathetic, i cant even make myself happy, im not sure i have a lot to offer, anymore.

2:13 p.m. - 2004-06-04

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