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when you looked back at me when you were leaving, i fell in love, again, and again, and again, and again.....

this happiness thing is so new to me. i never ever let myself be happy because i make these huge expectations for situations, and they always fall short. and inside, deep down inside my brain i know that things will never work how perfectly i imagine them in my head, but my heart never listens to my brain, it always thinks for itself, and i believe that the best will happen. even though it never really does. but i continue to look on the bright side of things, i always have hope, in all this dramatic heartbreak, depression, and reattaching myself, ive never really lost hope. id always convince myself that maybe tomorrow will turn everything around, maybe the next moment i have in time will make this all okay again. and sometimes it makes me cry to think about how much hope i withstood in my craziness. it makes me cry to know that i kept getting shot down, i bled to death, i lost air, i died, and through all that i managed to pull out with a smile (even if the smile came with tears still drying on my cheeks), there still was a smile written across my face. and even if i had to paint it on, i would continue to smile because eventually i knew that i would have to believe my face, and finally realize that it wasnt as bad as i made it out to be. i finally realized that it was okay to smile. i finally realized that love doesnt come in numbers, there isnt a first, a second, or a third love, there is just this amazingly, great, overwhelming feeling called love. it doesnt happen in turns, because once you find it, it never really goes away. everyone loves something at every moment, whether it is a family member, a boy or a girl, a pet, an outfit, everyone is in love at every moment in their life. and i guess im comforted in knowing that at every second of every day some one loves me, and i had to realize that it may not always be who i wanted it to be. and im okay with that. i am okay with my life in this moment. im so proud of myself for overcoming all the fucking statistics, because i fucking beat depression, i beat heartbreak, i beat all the fucking odds. i won. and for the first time ever, i patted myself on the back, i gave myself a trophy because i deserved it. i fought every day for another breath, because i didnt want to live anymore. i fought with myself for 2 years, i fought myself for my own life. and as strange as it seems, i came out a mother fucking strong ass person. and i am proud of myself. i got rid of all the dead weight i had on me. and yes, some of my dead weight eventually got rid of me before i got the chance to tell it to go away, and im glad. im glad i had my heartbroken. im glad that i was depressed. and im even more glad that i finally found love in all the right places. right now in my life, in time, sitting here, i am exactly where i should be, i am exactly where i need to be, i am exactly where i really fucking want to be. i thank the lord every single day for making this possible. for making the world. for making me. and i can finally get a decent nights sleep.

11:31 p.m. - 2004-05-26

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