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i fucking like you so much baby. <3

i thought up was close to here, so why the fuck am i looking down? youll see that i always fail, no matter how hard i try, im in love with dissapointment. but i never regret.

me and my mom have been fighting for absolutely no reason. i think she is just upset that im not sitting at home anymore. shes upset because im ready to go out on my own. so she continues to yell at me for everything i do or dont do. but last night she left me a note on my bed for when i got home that read "i love you, even though you dont think so. (i made a rhyme). we fight because we are just alike. love you." it made me feel a little better, but still, its hard to put all this shit past me, especially since she ruined easter, and it was the first time i havent spent it with my family. and im still pretty bitter and upset, very upset about that. but other than that whole scenario, things are going well. ive been in such a bad mood lately though. im scared that i am going to turn into a monster again because i cant seem to pick my own head up. ill survive, i always do. i hope. i feel like im getting close to chris. which is wonderful, i just dont want to get my heart broken again, which im very hopeful that it wont be. im just scared that as soon as we get close, hes going to have to go away to iraq. im terrified of that. and yes....christopher i meant every word of my pinky promise last night. and i told you that i dont break promises. im trying not to think about it too much, but since we talked about it last night its just been on my mind. im at school now, i dont want to go to class, im not in the mood for human biology right now. and im not sure im going to go to soccer practice, i might just work out on my own. maybe even hit up tony's gym later on. he was my personal trainer a couple of years ago when i packed on like 20 extra pounds of muscle. he worked wonders for me. so i may just go say hello and see if i can get him to work out with me. he owns his own gym, so he always lets me go for free. yea, but i doubt ill be motivated enough to get my lard ass up. im going running because im determined to get my mile and a half down to 11 minutes. im on a goal that by the summer ill be in top shape like last summer. class is calling my name, i must go. ahh...i miss chris already...

9:25 a.m. - 2004-04-14

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