-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

im in your room, are you turned on?

i have that feeling....the feeling where i absolutely love being with a person, where i get the biggest fucking butterflies in my stomach and my palms still sweat and my head still spins, even though i know we are together. i still get nervous before we see each other , and even though things havent been absolutely idealy perfect, they feel so good. and i never want him to leave, i just want to lay there just looking at each other where it honestly feels like we are just one person. and i love the times where i think i know what he are thinking and the times where i want to scream and tell the world that he is mine. i will tell the world because it is worth it. and when we sleep together it feels so nice because he is so warm. its so beautiful being with a person that you adore and care for so eternally. i guess the dark just isnt so scary when he is here.

but today is one of those fucking days where i just want the world or me to end. i feel threatened. i feel like someone is just going to take my place. i dont feel special and i dont feel like he wants it out of his life. im crazy and i dont know anything. i dont know what im trying to say. i feel like im fucking slipping, and it sucks because there is no way to keep my balance, i just kind of have to fall, its inevitable. i dont want to do this because these feelings and emotions are so familiar. im sick of shit from everyone including my mom and my fucking sister. i dont feel like being friendly. and yes, william is still bothering me....he hasnt called in 2 weeks. i just emphasized to him that there would be no popping in and out of my life because it was unfair to me. and he swore that he wouldnt. but what do you fucking know, he lied...shouldnt be a suprise. fuck it, im so sick of actually caring for him. im so sick of wanting to be his friend. im completely over him in a romantic aspect because i could never be with the person that he turned into. but when he came crawling back crying to me, it was hard to say no to a friendship because i actually thought he was telling the truth when he said he needed me. fuck me for sure, because im the fucking idiot for falling into that again. 2 fucking weeks is definitely considered popping in and out of my life. i feel like i want to destroy someone, just knock the shit out of them because im so sick of getting shit knocked out of me. im so sick of being forgiving and being nice. there has to come to a point where i have to stand up for myself. and after william broke up with me i planned on being so nice to him because i was scared his random phone calls would just stop if i said something to him. but now i realize that the person i love is gone anyway and im finally ready to fucking stand up for myself because no one, including me, deserves to be treated that way. fuck me man. i hate rainy days because im always in such a shit mood. im really feeling down today, since sunday i havent really been feeling a smiley day. im just wondering when ill be good enough for anyone. im just wondering when people will stop fucking it all out of me. why cant i feel beautiful?

10:48 a.m. - 2004-04-13

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------