-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

you are a beautiful boy.

i remember writing a suicide note once. and it wasnt like i ever had intentions to kill myself, i just wanted to imagine peoples reactions if i actually left forever. so i figured that when i was gone, people would start to care again and miss me. but now that i think about it, i was dead then already. it was hard to write, a lot harder than you would think. i wrote individual paragraphs to my mom and dad, my sister and brother, and my grandparents. then the final paragraph was to anyone else that could have possibly cared. i found that no words could explain my reasoning because nothing justifies killing yourself, you just kind of do it because you think its what you and the world wants. i kept it for the longest time, and anytime i got in one of those really really sucky moods, i would read it just so i would actually have a reason to be crying. finally, after william broke up with me, i decided to let go, and i threw away anything that i had ever written...including the note. it was time to get rid of all that sad baggage that i had holding on to all the things that i had written about depression. it was time to be undepressed. i started going to therapy, i started not caring as much. and realized that the only way to be creative, the only way to be an individual and get my life back was to let go and go crazy...fun crazy like i used to be. i went to therapy for about a month or so and just decided that i didnt need to go back, im not sure why.

but heres what i figured, if i could be happy for one day, just one day, i could convince my brain that being happy is what i wanted. and what do you know...it worked. and i surrounded myself in people that make me happy. but the amazing thing is, that i finally made myself happy instead of worrying about making everyone else happy first. it took awhile, but i finally realized that you have to like yourself for other people to be able to like you, or at least i think so. and i like myself, and i think that i am special. and all these things just started going right instead of wrong, and i was actually smiling...a genuine smile, it was something new and everyone noticed. i am glowing. and me and chris finally found each other. its so wonderful to have a wonderful person around you. he makes me giggle, like i am in middle school again. and its great to smile again, smile and actually mean it. its so nice to have good days and notice the beautiful things again. i have finally realized that things arent ugly, god just made some things prettier than others.

10:34 a.m. - 2004-04-11

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------