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hush hush.

how much better do i have to be? honestly, when is it ok for me to reach a breaking point, and finally tell someone that this is all i have to offer. this is my best, how much better am i supposed to be before anyone realizes how much work i put into my life? when is it my time for recognition from anyone? because it cannot come too soon, believe me. im pushing an anxiety attack, i was too close this afternoon, so i left for class almost 2 hours early. i just drove around, crying, wanting to stop somewhere, but not knowing where exactly i was welcome (which sounds really stupid). but i was in one of those crazy ass moods and i wasnt sure what to think about anything. its crazy how one little thing can turn everything around in your life. one simple word and there i am again, on my fucking knees, just waiting and praying that everything will be ok, as soon as possible. i stayed up and talked to leslie last night until we both were nearly asleep. i told her some things that i would never ever confess to anyone, at least right now, and i was so thankful that she just took it in and lended me some support just in case i was in need. it was nice because we hadnt talked in awhile, we need to hang out. but, still, im thinking too much about everything. i just picture exactly what i want, the ideal scenario, and i keep dreaming that eventually, if i think hard enough, it will pop out and come true. and i swear at night when i dream, there is a split screen, and two totally different things happening at once in one vision. im just not sure which one to look at so i sit there, cross eyed and i wake up with a head ache and a lot of questions that i know are going to be unanswered because im too scared to even find a word that i could start off with. im just worried that someone i love has fallen, and its out of my hands to pick them up. hmm....im thinking again, i wish i could hear a voice, from who im not sure, just a voice that could say a word to silence this. i know what it is, but im not saying.

6:11 p.m. - 2004-03-23

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