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its time to change the channel...

at first, the word girlfriend really scared the shit out of me. and when chris even said that word i emotionally shut down and changed the subject and we just didnt talk about it again. so yesterday, im sitting in my room, by myself, listening to this song, and just started to cry. i realized that i am so fucking stupid for letting a heartbreak prevent me from falling. yes, i am terrified to fall in love and give myself to someone. but then i realized how much i learned from my previous situation, and i would now, make the absolute perfect girlfriend for someone. and yes, chris has hurt me before, but something tells me that i can trust him, maybe because i want to trust him. but non the less, i cried and never could really figure out what i was crying for. and after i stopped i realized that letting these bad feelings stop me from being with anyone else really means that i am not letting go of my past. im going to say that yes, i love william, that will never go away. i am not in love with him and his face has faded, and now everytime i close my eyes, i see chris. i wonder what chris is doing, and if he his thinking about me as well. i hope that when he closes his eyes, he sees me too. and trying to stop those feelings of falling for someone will only be further heartbreak for me. chris makes me smile, and its been a long time since someone has given me that genuine smile. and im ready to run with him, just run away, and forget that there ever was anyone else. and i dont want to think about another guy. so yes, last night, i gave in, and the girlfriend word was used again. only this time, i told him that i wanted to be his girlfriend and i didnt want to be scared anymore. he told me that we can move however fast or slow that i want, and i appreciate that. but yes, i officially have a boyfriend again. chris told me a long time ago that i was wonderful and that i didnt need anyone to make me wonderful...and i didnt believe him then, but i do now. im ready to fall for someone, because heartbreak is just a small price to pay for a beautiful friendship/relationship. and ill pay a thousand heartbreaks to find what i need/want. everyone is very happy and supportive of me moving on, and its even nicer to have everyone behind me on this one instead of everyone telling me to quit. im ready to go....

10:33 a.m. - 2004-03-18

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